BEHIND THE MUSIC: THE BEAUTIFUL DUDES
Hey Beautiful! As we get closer to the Conference, we’re starting to get requests for encore performances from past Conference acts. People have asked for more of the incredible dancers, and more of the amazing musical performances. But the biggest demand, with the requests nearly quadrupling every other request combined, has been for the return of the greatest musical act in the last fifty years, the Beautiful Dudes.
Unfortunately, while we wish we could meet this clear mandate for the comeback of the Dudes, this is just one request we can’t grant, because the Beautiful Dudes are no more. After Beautiful You Conference 2012 (click here to watch their AMAZING performance), the Dudes skyrocketed to unparalleled heights, reaching number one on every chart possible. They even got to number one on the New York Times bestsellers list, with their autobiography, “We Do Know We’re Beautiful,” (which doubled as a coloring book). But just months afterward, they split up. To this day, no one knows why. Some claim it was because they objected to the new dress code of “tighter and shorter.” Others say it was due to their insistence on producing only tapes, and not CDs, MP3s, or any other form of digital music. Regardless, the breakup was ugly, and they quickly went six separate ways. Where are they now? Read below for details.
(Please note, before continuing, that literally none of this is true, even if some of the members wish it were.)
After the breakup, Andrew continued on as a solo artist, and initially had great success, reaching the top of the charts with memorable hits such as “Pantalones,” and “Eazt Sidaz.” Unfortunately, his follow up album, “I secretly wish I was a samurai,” failed to recapture the magical pop/rap combination that brought him his original success, and only sold a paltry 37 copies. Andrew subsequently reinvented himself by becoming a successful reality TV show host, and can currently be seen on VH1’s karaoke dance show, “Jazz Hands!”
Steve F. followed his Beautiful Dudes success with tremendous fortune, when he won 158 million dollars in the lottery. After living a life of luxury on his yacht for two weeks, Steve blew his entire fortune on more lottery tickets, from which he won 67 dollars and a lifetime supply of hot dogs. He currently resides at the Wavewood Retirement Home in Naples, Florida, where he enjoys sewing, shuffleboard, and yelling about how the TV is too loud.
Steve G. originally took the demise of the Beautiful Dudes the hardest, and spent the first year making youtube revenge videos telling the world all of the Dudes’ deepest secrets. However, he eventually redirected his anger into a more healthy habit, Ultimate Fighting. He is currently the reigning Ultimate Fighting Heavyweight champion, having won 13 fights in a row, each ending with his signature finishing move, the “I want it that way.”
Feeling a void after the split, ultra patriotic Devie joined the military, where he received a dose of the “Super Soldier Serum,” and became the living symbol of freedom, Captain AmericaTM. Left for dead while frozen in ice after a battle with the Red SkullTM (which he of course won, duh, he’s Captain Freaking America), the star-spangled hero with an indestructible shield was discovered years later by Namor, the Sub-MarinerTM, and thawed out in an unfamiliar future. He resumed his never-ending battle for liberty, and now partners with Iron ManTM, ThorTM, and The HulkTM to fight for justice as members of The AvengersTM.
Phil got a job as an accountant. What? They’re not all great stories.
Tyler saw the end of the Beautiful Dudes as an opportunity to return to his roots, and resumed his pre-Dudes career as an infomercial pitchman. Today, he dominates the late night basic cable advertising space, advertising 7 different products in 7 different infomericals, including the Super Salad Toaster, and the ultra popular Whale Whistling Teapot, which can now be found in virtually every suburban kitchen in America. Even though it once seemed impossible, he has managed to eclipse his fame as a Beautiful Dude, and is now one of America’s most beloved figures.
Maybe one day, they’ll return. At Beautiful You, anything can happen. In fact, there’s an old legend that says if 1400 women wear ruby red slippers, and all simultaneously click their heels together 5 times while saying “There’s No Dudes Like Beautiful Dudes,” they may reappear onstage, in costume, but that just seems ridiculous, doesn’t it?
Steve Fung is Director of Be The Love Campaign, a Community Development Corporation that serves as the social justice and outreach arm of Capital City Church. He enjoys watching sports with his son, Evan, and believes deep dish pizza is the only true pizza. He is also a former member of the Beautiful Dudes, and is fairly certain he is going to be assaulted by all five of the other members of the Beautiful Dudes for making up ridiculously insane stories about them.